God Save The Queen!

Since we are now fully into Silly Season, maybe there are some candidates in need of a platform, motto or giggle.

If so, here's a Memo from Queen Elizabeth:

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An important announcement regarding the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty

Queen Elizabeth II.....



In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves, and
also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the
USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look
up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary).



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).



Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:....



1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour,'
'labour', 'neighbour' & so forth. Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination
of '-ize'.

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound
for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth- see what it did
for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of
proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New
Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out
of their deliveries.

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
humor)!__,_._,___

Do The Wealthy Serve Us?

Christianne Amanpour’s guest mentioned Benjamin Franklin wrote that he wouldn’t mind being preserved in a “vat of Madeira wine” in order to see if the Constitution held up 200 years later. Amanpour responded, “he was amazingly perspicacious when this Constitution was signed.”

Honour sinks where commerce long prevails. - Oliver Goldsmith
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I've seen a few episodes of the latest PBS Masterpiece series called 'Downton Abbey'. It's a story about the lives of a fabulously wealthy family in Victorian England and their staff of domestic servants. Probably a reasonable depiction of how the 'upper class' lived, but it seems more like a fable from the distant past. But, maybe there are those living today who would like to emulate that past and have themselves as the subject of some future series? Looks like it to me anyway.
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This CBS News report identifies Congress as a Millionaire's club.
Is this OK?
If not, what do we do about it?

Not only do the wealthy tend to see their wealth as a deserved privilege, but they sometimes go to great lengths to deny it, rationalize it, flaunt it, connive to obtain it, and even lie about it. Not all wealthy people do this, but a lot of them do -enough to make you wonder if they aren't living in some kind of parallel universe apart from the rest of us.

But wealth can be a relative thing, too. I am much better off than millions of people, some of whom struggle daily to even feed themselves. And, I don't feel particularly guilty about the luxury I enjoy, even though early biblical training may have had something harsh and unyielding to say about not freely sharing with those less fortunate. Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to do what? Fact is, there has always been inequity among people, and in earlier times the disparity was probably greater than it is now.

For example, look at our founding fathers; weren't they better off than most of their compatriots? Yet, the sacrifice that these relatively well-educated and prosperous founders were, they put everything they had on the line to espouse freedom -for all, not just themselves! Think they may have figured out that a rising tide might lift not only their boats, but every other citizen's?
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Nowadays, many Americans seem downright schizophrenic about wealth. Maybe that's just a sign of the discontinuities between greed, the legitimate desire to get ahead in life, and basic jealousy? Let's face it we live in a material world, and the quest for wealth and ownership of lots of stuff is reinforced by our lifestyles and media every day. All you need to observe this is an occasional peek at a TV game show, or the ads that play to desires for a life of ease, luxury and dissipation.

Then, there are the super rich and famous movie & TV stars, sports heroes, entrepreneurs of all stripes, plus drug dealers and other swindlers & crooks who have managed to amass large fortunes which they take as evidence of their personal worth. And, don't forget those with good old inherited wealth, many through no effort of their own, except maybe choosing the right parents, spouses or significant others at some point in their past.

All of these folk types somehow get held up as successful examples made possible by 'the American Way'. And who can argue with that? Well, these conditions do exist outside of the US too, you know. They occur because of power struggles, crime, good fortune, great ambition and, sometimes even good will.

Titans of industry, from the 'robber barons' of 100 years ago, to the kings of industry, begotten by wars, technology advances, creative opportunity and sometimes plain luck all make interesting studies. There are blue-bloods, dark villains, white knights and Horatio Alger characters, plus some folks who just worked very hard and saved what they earned, to choose from.

Today's Billionaires were yesterday's Millionaires, but who cares that some folks can never have enough? Even great philanthropic gestures like endowments to medical research, educational institutions, charities & other worthwhile public facilities do not necessarily earn the respect they may deserve, particularly after the benevolent benefactors become history.
Look at Bill Gates & Warren Buffett for example; even their announcements that most of their great wealth will be left to charity and good works isn't enough to satisfy some detractors, who choose to hold their wealth against them!
Definitely, Bellingham has some folks with an attitude about those having wealth, although possibly they may exempt themselves from such criticism.

Point is, I don't think wealth, per se, is evil; in fact wealth has the potential to do great good, as it has over time.
For example, what do you think it takes to have a capitalist system? Wealth, of course, plus to ability to invest it toward some purpose. Like maybe, jobs? Services? Products that are useful and even essential? Education? Charity? Taxes paid to Govt to provide pubic services? Those are some of the good things that money can help provide.
But, of course, money can also be used for not so good purposes, and we must find a way to discourage and sometimes punish that.
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Looking back to old England, Winston Churchill was born to great privilege, and in reading his biography I was tempted to despise him for his attitudes born of that heritage. But, can you imagine anyone more capable of leading Great Britain during the threats of WWII? I can't.

Through the ages there have been many kings, emperors, and other rulers of great wealth & power. Some were repressive, ruthless and evil, but others were great benefactors of their people. So, that tells me that wealth is not necessarily bad, although it's ability to control power makes it an object to be feared and reckoned with.

George Washington was a wealthy man in his day, but look what he did for our country! So were Jefferson, Madison and some other founders quite wealthy and also essential to the formation of our nation.
Since then, many of our Presidents have come from great wealth; Teddy & Franklin Roosevelt come immediately to mind, as does John F Kennedy. All served our nation honorably and with distinction, as did others as well.

You know, legislating, administering, enforcing and acting in the public interest does take a lot of time and energy that most of us do not have, or even want to do. So, why not let the wealthy take care of that for us? After all, they've got the time, resources, contacts, skills and habits necessary for these tasks. Sounds like a plan to me, as long as we have reasonable assurance they won't tilt the scales too much for their own benefit. Just make sure we get honest folks in there to do our bidding, without having to vote, inform ourselves, or otherwise get involved at all. That way, we can fully enjoy our leisure, get on with what we have to do and just leave the rest to 'staff' - like the good folks in Downton Abbey. Right!

So, it really should be no surprise that our Federal Government continues to attract people of wealth; that in itself is not all bad. But, the potential for badness being evidenced is still there, and wealth can readily translate into customs, perspectives and attitudes that may not fairly represent all citizens -particularly those without wealth. People of privilege sometimes get the big head, thinking they're somehow more important than others and throw their weight around. That conduct is irritating at best and all kinds of trouble at worst!
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Laws made by common consent must not be trampled on by individuals. - George Washington
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For example, look at this piece by Timothy Egan about Michele Bachmann. What does it say about her attitudes on privilege, a sense of entitlement, truth telling, respect for her peers & moral philosophy? Don't know about you, but this kind of stuff bothers me! It's not her wealth that makes her act this way, but it certainly helps keep her in the media spotlight -and in office.

Then, there's 'Campaign reform', an oxymoron if I've ever heard one! And, 'Tax Code reform', another one. 'Earmarks'? How about 'Budget debates'? 'Entitlements'? 'Exemptions'? 'Incentives'? It seems most of the issues we face in Washington, DC & elsewhere have a large component involving financing & funding. Hey, that's necessary! Maybe folks who know something about wealth & money feel more at home with all that. But, who else gets to impact fiscal decisions? Lobbyists? Corporations? Political Action Committees? Political Parties? Unions? Exclusive Clubs? What about us?

This whole wealth thing is just getting me exhausted! Of course, the Wealthy serve us, and sometimes very well. But my fear is not that they serve themselves first, but that there is anything left for the rest of us consumers of democracy. After all, that's name of the game in getting wealthy in the first place. Or, so I've heard.
Oh, shoot, this has become a rant. And its happened without a single beer. That's some kind of sign I think -of what I do not know...
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Government is not reason; it is not eloquent; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. - George Washington

Laws of infernal dynamics:
▪ An object in motion will be moving in the wrong direction.
▪ An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
▪ The energy required to move an object in the correct direction, or put it in the right place, will be more than you wish to expend but not so much as to make the task impossible.

▪ Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

▪ John Buckle: You can lead a fish to water but you can't cure its fin rot.

▪ TANSTAAFL: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
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Chartreuse?

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I don't know about you, but I still haven't gotten over the spectacle of behemoth NFL players running around in lime green jerseys.
Don't know if that contributed to the Seahawks again 'rescuing defeat from the jaws of victory', but it might have.

Lime green is a good accent color, with the Seahawk's eye and narrow pinstripes, but that's about my limit.
I had noticed more use of the accent creeping in, with ball caps, gloves, shoes and the like, but never thought that a silly marketing ploy would would begin to make the Seahawks look like 'girlie men', as the 'Governator', Ahnold might say.

When I watch part of the next game, I hope not to see any of the following uniform modifications in lime green, or any other color for that matter;

• fuzzy helmet stripes configured as Roman style 'mohawk' markings

• iridescent fish-eye helmet stickers to reward good plays

• tutus

• lime mesh stockings, knee pads or braces

• shoe pom-poms

For several other sports, lime green is more OK as a main color; soccer, cycling, track, T-Ball, cheerleading and the like.

But, please, don't handicap the Seahawks any more than they already are!
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Humor: Genealogical Convolutions

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Years ago, I remember hearing Willie Nelson sing a funny song, called 'I'm my own Granpa'.

As an amateur genealogist, I was intrigued by how that could occur, without gross incest happening multiple times.

But, it turns the lyrics to this song were actually diagrammed to demonstrate how this might happen, which it turns has - in England!

So, I asked Mr Google and found this blurb from Wikipedia:

Also, a Youtube animated song and familytree diagram version from Ray Stevens:
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Finally, here's the printed lyrics:

I'm My Own Grandpa
(Sung by Lonzo & Oscar in 1947)

It sounds funny, I know,
But it really is so,
Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

I'm my own grandpa.
I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know,
But it really is so,
Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

I'm my own grandpa.
I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so,
Oh, I'm my own grandpa.
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Ever think this sort of thing might also happen in politics?
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The Famous Pig

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“The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.”
- Martina Navratilova

“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.” - Winston Churchill

“Well-being and happiness never appeared to me as an absolute aim. I am even inclined to compare such moral aims to the ambitions of a pig.”
- Albert Einstein

“You should never try and teach a pig to read for two reasons. First, it's impossible; and secondly, it annoys the hell out of the pig!” - Will Rogers

Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. - George Bernard Shaw
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The Famous Pig

Some time ago a farmer in Iowa owned a pig that became famous for its unusual and repeated acts of heroism.
Time after time, this pig made headlines, which the farmer duly recorded in a scrapbook for future reference.

Acts with which the pig is credited include the following examples, which is by no means a complete list:

• waking the farmer and his family at night when the barn caught fire and threatened not only the livestock, but the farmhouse as well.

• scaring off burglars while the farmer was away with repeated loud squealing.

• herding back to the corral calves and lambs that escaped and were wandering off.

• finding a lost toddler in the corn field.

• winning the top 4-H award for best pig.

• alerting the authorities through the farmer , of a hot-air balloon that had crashed nearby.

• guiding the kids home from the school bus stop through the snow.

• rooting through the mud to find the farmer's wife's lost wedding ring.

• and on and on, sometimes even repeating some of these acts multiple times.

You get the idea, this was not only a famous pig, but a VERY special one indeed!

One day, a renowned reporter arrived to research the various reports of the pig's heroism and write a human interest feature article for a leading magazine.

The farmer and his family welcomed the reporter with their usual hospitality and regaled him with endless stories and first-hand accounts of their pig's good deeds, and gave him copies of those scrapbook entries that he felt were particularly newsworthy.

Finally, the reporter had had enough information and asked to see the famous pig.

The farmer took him to the pig pen, where a number of pigs, large and small, were rooting and resting in the mud and dirt.

At first glance, the reporter thought none of the pigs looked particularly heroic, or even pig-handsome for that matter, and he really couldn't tell which was the famous pig, until the farmer called 'Famous' to come over.

Immediately, a good-sized,- but otherwise nondescript- pig got up and obediently made its way toward the reporter.
But something seemed amiss, because the famous pig walked with a slight limp.

Then, the reporter noticed that this pig had only three legs; a hind leg was missing.

Now, since that seemed to be the angle the reporter was looking for, he commented to the farmer that it really was unusual for this pig, known for all its acts of heroism, to only have three legs!

To which the farmer the farmer replied that Famous used to have four legs, but a pig that good you don't want to eat all at one time.
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Sorry you read this far?
Maybe the heat made me do it.
But, hey, give me a better one and I might use it.
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These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
- Alfred Hitchcock

“'When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,' said Piglet at last, 'what's the first thing you say to yourself?' 'What's for breakfast?' said Pooh. 'What do you say, Piglet?' 'I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?' said Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. 'It's the same thing,' he said.” - 
A. A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner
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The Gorilla

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For many years, I read Reader's Digest and was particularly enamored of it's feature called 'Laughter Is The Best Medicine'.
To this day, I still enjoy a good joke, although they may not be as fit for family reading as they used to be.
You can decide on this one.
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The Gorilla

A big zoo in Texas was proud of acquiring a prime specimen of Mountain Gorilla.
In addition to being physically impressive, this gorilla had a very pleasing personality and a real affinity for people, a characteristic that the zoo hoped to capitalize upon to help increase attendance and defray the investment and maintenance costs of its new star attraction.

So, it was a mixture of concern and disappointment that the zoo management felt when it learned the new gorilla had begun to act strangely with animated antics that seemed likely to endanger its own well-being.
The gorilla was making loud repetitive sounds, leaping around, climbing the cage walls and then flinging itself violently to the ground.
Also, its eating habits had fallen dramatically and it didn't seem to welcome zoo visitors.

The Head Zoo-Keeper called an emergency meeting to discuss what could be done, especially considering the Zoo's financial limitations.
No one seemed to have a good idea of exactly what to do, but the Assistant Zoo-Keeper did suggest asking his promising new part-time helper, Tex, for his advice.

Tex was a strapping young man who had an unusual understanding and affinity for animals.
Having been raised on a working ranch, Tex's actual experience with animals was pretty extensive.
So, it was natural for him to elect to study Animal Husbandry when he was offered a scholarship to Texas A&M University.
Now, after only one year at A&M, Tex was really excited about being offered an internship at the zoo.

It didn't take long for young Tex to assess the situation with the prize gorilla, whereupon he duly reported his findings and recommendations to the Zoo management.
He had concluded that the gorilla was a female, in heat, and that the best way to alleviate the bizarre behavior was to simply mate her.

The Head Zoo-Keeper was relieved to learn what the problem was, but distressed at the potential cost, and mentioned that finances might limit any remedy to no more than about $300.
With this new constraint, Tex asked for some more time to think on it.

Later, Tex knocked on the Head Zoo-Keeper's door, then entered, removing his 10-gallon hat.
Looking a little sheepish, Tex explained he had a proposal, but it was contingent on three conditions;

Number 1 - I ain't gonna kiss her!

Number 2 - The Zoo needs to fit the gorilla with padded gloves, 'cause I don't want my back all scratched up'.

Number 3 - I ain't gonna pay more than $100!

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I hope this hasn't offended anyone too much, but it is one of those jokes I remember so vividly -not so much because of the 'punch line', but the way the joke was told with such relish!

My friend Horace is a Texan, a jovial guy who attended the University of Texas in Austin, and who really loved to tell 'Aggie' jokes.
He told this one at lunch time, back in 1983 or 84, with 3 other people present, and it took him longer than I could imagine, because he himself enjoyed the telling so much!
Horace would actually stop every so often and just chuckle aloud at what was to come next.
And, being rather portly in build, when Horace laughed, you knew it.

Long before the joke ended, he had us all laughing along with him, a progressive kind of anticipation that just kept building on itself.
One might call this kind of laughter -especially with Horace- a 'belly laugh', but actually it was more than that.
It was a side-splitter, and you actually began to feel pain in your gut by not being able to control the involuntary mirth.

There were times when I wondered if the restaurant might throw us out, so many people were attracted to our jollity.
But, they didn't and we eventually left, weak kneed and red-eyed and lighter in the pocket, due to the larger than usual tip.

Joke experiences like this don't come along very often, which is unfortunate.
But, when they do, you tend to remember them vividly.

I was reminded of this experience last night a friend's birthday celebration, where the price of admission was to bring a joke.
I didn't tell this one then, but next time, I might.
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My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.  ~Douglas Adams [Author - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. 
Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. 
Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. 
Amen.  ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless




Lord, lord, lord.  Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.  ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy's_law

Murphy's law is an adage that broadly states: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown

Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary
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Gloom, Despair & Agony on Me...

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Ever had a day that seemed darker and drearier than usual?
Not necessarily totally black, mind you, but maybe the color of slate or wet granite gray.
And, I'm not talking about the weather either.

I'm talking about those -fortunately few- times that mental and emotional attitudes dip to an undesirable level.
That usually doesn't last long for me, but even short episodes aren't fun.

Here's some of the things that conspired to bother me this time:

• incessant media coverage of the mostly trivial events that qualify as repetitive 'worthy news'
• too much avoidance of not-fun things I need to do.
• boredom due to too few 'fun' things done lately.
• cumulative physical fatigue that really doesn't hurt, but does limit previously normal activity.
• impatience with elected representatives and their tiresome posturing, delaying tactics, and constant electioneering.
• probably a few others that aren't worth the effort to remember.

That's about it.
Fortunately, all of these things are fading quickly into their proper perspective, even as we speak.
That's a mercy!
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One of the value judgements that I habitually favor -whether I actually do it or not - is that work always comes first.
[How's that for a potential, permanent downer?]
In other words, 'no fun until the work is done'.
And, of course the 'work' is never done, so there's just no time for fun!
I can tell you there are people pretty close to me who are very tired of hearing that kind of stuff, even in jest!
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The title is taken from a silly song from the old TV show 'Hee-Haw';

Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery.
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
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The Leopold: Barbers of B-Ville

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Today's posting will be on the slightly vain and lighter side, as is usually the case when visiting these prototypically friendly barbers.

Since time immemorial, guys going to barbershops results in more than just a lowering of the ears; joking and bantering, watching whatever is flickering on the ever-present TV, swapping political gossip and opinions, and generally having a good time, all qualify as part of the experience.

And so it is with Marty -his father Glenn -and Jess and the newer snippers at the Leopold Barbershop, my sometimes erratic choice back when I was regularly growing hair and caring about how it looked - sorta.

In my own mind, I've always had a problem with unruly hair.
It just has 'a mind of its own'.
People say I should be glad for a full head of thick hair that is still mostly intact.

But, I have seen it another way; not easily managed to look neat and always in place the way mom and other significant women in my life might prefer it.

My answer for unruly hair has been to just whack it off with regularity, like they do in the Navy.
Kind of a crew, or college, cut that doesn't need much attention, but probably makes me look younger than I am -or at least a little shrimpy next to guys with big hair, whether well-groomed or not.

A few years ago, when I was still serving on the City Council, our evening meetings started being filmed for airing on BTV10.
These meetings were then shown periodically during daytime hours.

True to form, the Leopold does flip through TV channels, sometimes stopping on Channel 10.
It doesn't even have to be a slow news day, with few sports events.
The barbers just like to know what's going on in town, and sometimes public meetings can provide an unusual form of 'info-tainment'.

It was during watching one of these meetings that Jess saw my -as-yet- unidentified image on TV and noticed my 'rooster tail' of hair protruding from the back of my head.
He thought it looked a bit comical, and jokingly asked Marty, 'who does that guy's hair?'
To which Marty replied 'we do'.
That's John Watts!

Well, you can imagine what fun the Barbers of B'Ville had with that episode!
They couldn't wait to tell me about it the next time I showed up for a haircut.
And, who knows how many times that story got swapped about?

I thought it was funny as hell, and still do, maybe because it confirmed my own long-held trouble with unruly hair.
Anyway, I'm sharing this bit with readers now because I still have fond memories about it as a funny thing.

But, my 'rooster tail' is only one of several hair quirks I have; cow-licks, crowns, swirls and hair that looks like it wants to be parted on the right, but really prefers being parted on the left - or not at all.
See why I prefer to cut it short?
That also looks a little funny, because that way the somewhat strange scalp-origins of my head of hair are revealed for all to see, but me - unless I use a mirror.

Maybe its better for me to just wear a hat?
But, enough of this vanity; I've lived under this hair for over 70 years and ought to be mature enough to handle the 'problem' -if it really is one.
----------------

Since being treated for cancer a few months ago, I've lost most of my hair, which is now growing back slowly.
It's just now reaching the crew cut length that I used t prefer.
Maybe that is why I decided to go back to the Leopold today, to show the barbers how I prefer my hair to look?

No, just kidding guys!
I went back to tell these friendly barbers -face to face - that I was OK, that I am recovering and now getting stronger.
I'm now considered a 'survivor', and they needed to know that.

I know there was concern at the Leopold about my health because a friend told me so.
And, he ought to know because he has been going there regularly for many years longer than me, and enjoying the same brand of camaraderie that I did.

So, I went back and said hello to Marty and the others there, and they were glad to see me looking healthier again.
And, I do feel better, just by doing that!

I know the Leopold folks will spread the word to anybody who cares, and make my job of communicating good news a lot easier.
Thanks, guys!

Don't give up on me as a customer, either.
The hair just keeps growing, and I fully expect the unruliness to make a come-back.
----------------------------

One other funny, and one the Leopold folks seemed to get and appreciate:

An old friend once told me of a time he first visited a 'stylist', which were just beginning to make in-roads into the traditional barbering business.
I can't confirm the trueness of this tale, but it's kinda funny anyway.

Anyway, the stylist began a steady stream of banter, while snipping mostly air.
My friend was used to barbers who used electric razors first to 'lower the ears' before using the scissors to even up the longer hair on top.
Then, they'd finish by using a straight razor to shave the neck, above the ears and sideburns.

That kind of haircut does tend to get your attention!
And, it has a certain predictability about it that stylists can't exactly match.

After a few minutes with the stylist, my friend claimed to have made the following definitive statement:

'Look,I came here for a haircut, not a bunch of small talk and fiddling around with snippers.
That means the only sound I want to hear is the sound of my hair hitting the floor!'

Apparently, that conversation served to end the banter, as well as speed up the actual cutting of hair.
According to my friend, he never intentionally visited a stylist again, as long as a regular barber was available.
And, he always made sure - up-front - what the charges would be.

I suppose something like this story has been told more than once, whether the storyteller actually said what was reported or not.
At least, the sentiment was probably authentic.
And, that's what counts -at least in real barber shops!

Thanks for laughing at my jokes, Leopold!
I'm sure the favor will be returned to me again and again, many times over.

That's the extra stuff that one gets included in the price of a real haircut!
---------------------------

How Swine Flu Is Transmitted -OR- How Lipstick Gets On A Pig

---------------------
A friend received this via e-mail and showed it to me.
Others may enjoy it.
This is not intended to joke about the serious health threat we are facing, but -fortunately- there is humor everywhere.
---------------------

March Madness & Gladness

------------
It's that time of year again, when college basketball rules the airways.
I always look forward to this time, and this year's tourneys have already had their share of surprises.
Even with several obviously superior teams there has been a raft of upsets, which seems to mean some basic underlying parity.

Soon, we'll find out who survives the NCAA and NIT tournaments, and who gets the bragging rights for this year.
I've got my favorites, and it should be no surprise that the ACC is the apple of eye.
But, even if my teams don't win, there will be some good games, and that's the main point.
---------

But, March always has other significances, too.
It is the time that Spring begins its renewal process, bringing seasonal changes that are so important to this planet.
In like a Lion, out like a Lamb, as the saying goes -which isn't always true.

'Wild as a March Hare' is a term that fits most kids that aspire to being sports heroes, too.
They have a ton of desire and energy, but haven't quite mastered the control and discipline needed to become truly skilled and adept and valuable at sports.
----------

Beware the 'Ides of March'
Julius Caesar's bloody assassination on March 15, 44 B.C., forever marked March 15, or the Ides of March, as a day of infamy. It has fascinated scholars and writers ever since.

For ancient Romans living before that event, however, an ides was merely one of several common calendar terms used to mark monthly lunar events. The ides simply marked the appearance of the full moon.
-----------

My personal favorite date in March is the 17th - Saint Patrick's Day!
Aside from the wearin' of the green and good natured gaiety, it's just a fun time that millions of people like to share.
While my enjoyment of a wee drop of Guinness may be curtailed for a while, my memories do last -without filling.

At some level, I suspect the time around St Paddy's day also resonates for a deeper and more personal reason for me, and my son.
That is because we were both likely conceived about that time in our respective years of birth.
Not a bad way to associate this time of year with our very essence, is it?
-------------

Got Lipstick?

Funnies?

Someone sent me these funnies recently:

-----------------------
The Original Computer:

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor is one who used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ...

...you just hoped nobody found out!

-----------------------

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96-year-old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94-year-old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92-year-old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters, shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

-----------------------

5 RIDDLES

[ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM]



1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?



2. A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?



3. What is black when you buy it,
red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away ?



4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?



5. This is an unusual paragraph.
I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.
In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is highly unusual though.
Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.
But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Try to do so without any coaching!



ANSWERS TO THE FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:






1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days;
yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

how did you do?


-----------------------

ANNOYANCES...

---------------------------
This appeared in my e-mail this morning from a friend.

Think it might be interesting to compose a similar list about local happenings?

---------------------------

I think Mr. Pizzo is not starting out happy in the new year, but he's telling it like it is!

---------------------------
20 Annoying Things About 2007

By Stephen Pizzo, News for Real Posted on January 1, 2008, Printed on January 2, 2008
http://www.alternet.org/story/72157/

Whew, has this been an annoying year, or what! I figure 2007 has been the most annoying year of my 62. I even did up a list of just the top 20 things I became sick and tired of during the past year.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1) I'm sick and tired of being bombarded by TV ads with American Indians telling me that their casinos are making life better for everyone, not just the ten members of their tribe. Have you ever been in one of those casinos? Just how are casinos making life better for the bus loads of gray-haired codgers who upload their meager Social Security checks into Chief Wampum's slots? And what about all those already over-extended, mortgage-poor, credit card maxed out working stiffs so desperate their last remaining hope is to hit a progressive-slot jackpot? How is the spreading plague of Indian casinos helping those folks?

So knock it off with those phony feel-good ads and replace them with something that at least approximates the truth. Something like this would be more tolerable:

"We had a sweet thing going before Europeans showed up, uninvited, and mugged the living crap out of Indian tribes from coast to shining coast. Well that hunk of Karma has come home to roost at our Indian Casinos where we are now happily, and profitably, doing the same thing to you. We even have a name for you ... The White Buffalo."

Now, that's at least true, and defensible. I can live with that. But even white-guilt has its limits and those spoken-with-forked-tongue, Indian-casinos-are-good-for-us TV ads have pushed that limit well beyond the breaking point.

2) I'm sick and tired of all things bimbo. Paris, Britney, Lohan ... and all those like them. The only time such appallingly stupid people should appear on my evening news is if they should stumble in front of the Presidential limo, get run over but survived and, once out of a coma, scribble out the solution to Einstein's unified field theory. Otherwise I never want to hear their names or see their vacant faces on the news again. They are nature's most useless and annoying creatures. CNN and MSNBC -- don't waste another electron reporting on these people because electrons have more important things to do -- and so do you.

3) I'm sick and tired of having to pretend that Christian fundamentalists are entirely sane when they announce with straight faces that the earth was created in six days, and is not billions of years old but actually just 6,000 years old. And that dinosaurs and humans coexisted because, "In fact, at Answers in Genesis, we call dinosaurs 'missionary lizards.' No sane literate person would -- could -- hold such utter nonsense to be true. Such pronouncements should be treated for what they are -- evidence of ignorance, mental illness or both.

Because they are provably false. They are NOT an equally valid scientific theory. They are the product of mass-hysterical-crazy thinking -- viral nonsense. People who believe such things, and try to get others to believe them, should be treated the exactly how we treat people who walk city streets shouting at things only they can see. And when one of these zombies shows up at a school board meeting demanding religious mythology be taught in science class, they should be politely asked to either shut up or leave. If they refuse then someone needs to call the cops to remove them to the nearest psychiatric facility and placed on a 36-hour hold. (Except in Texas, which we all know is a lost cause.)

4) I'm sick and tired of every politician running for election or re-election testifying that they, too, "believe." Believe what? Well, they keep that kinda of fuzzy. Politicians understand that, when you're seeking the votes of people who believe crazy things, you've gotta stay vague. That's because metaphysical-crazy comes in more flavors than Baskin-Robbins. No two crazies are the same, but they do all have one thing in common; they believe crazies of a different flavor are ... well, crazy. Which is why politicians play their "crazy belief cards" close to the vest. Instead of risking losing crazy votes by getting specific about precisely what kind of metaphysical things they may or may not believe in; they vaguely reassure them with a wink, wink, nudge, nudge -- "Just trust me folks. I'm at least as crazy as you."

5) I'm sick and tired of my country listing among our "friends and allies" creepy, unsavory, smarmy, self-indulgent, utterly despicable regimes -- to wit -- Saudi Arabia and the Saudi "royal" family. John Gotti's family had more royal blood in it than the 7000-odd dictatorial, misogynistic sheiks that run Saudi Arabia. If they weren't squatting atop lakes of oil the only kingdom they'd be lording over would have horns and require milking twice a day. If there's a more despicable bunch of mobsters masquerading as leaders today, I can't think of it. And I'm sick of seeing our moron of a President walking hand in hand with these cross-dressing, lying, cheating, terrorist-financing, rape-victim-lashing Arab home-boys, at the same time we continue embargoing Cuba and shaking a threatening fist at Iran.

6) I'm sick and tired of hearing about how Pakistan is a "valuable ally in the war on terror." No they're not. Hell, they're not even a real democracy anymore. Also everyone knows that the Pakistan army and intelligence services are lousy with al Qaida and Taliban sympathizers. Calling Pakistan an ally is like declaring George W. Bush one of America's most accomplished Presidents. The day Pervez Musharraf fired the whole Supreme Court and replaced them with handpicked Clarence Thomases and Anthony Scalias, we should have given NATO troops in Afghanistan the green light go into Pakistan's tribal regions and do whatever needed doing there. The other thing we should have done a long time ago is to dispatch a team of Navy Seals to snatch A.Q. Khan -- the guy who spread nuclear bomb technology from North Korea, to Libya and Iran. Khan is currently under "house arrest" in Pakistan. Snatching him and bringing him to justice would send a message to anyone thinking of peddling nukes that they'll never live to spend the money.

7) I'm sick and tired of "Billery." Bill and Hillary Clinton have worn out their welcome in my head. I appreciate Bill's accomplishments as President. But fine, can we move on now? I didn't appreciate the Bill and Hillary soap operas the first time around. But now the nation and world are too much in crisis to restart that kind of unhelpful diversions. Hillary is a smart and viciously accomplished pol. But rather than president, her skills could be put to better use as Senate Majority Leader. Ditch the nearly comatose Harry Reid and put Hillary in that important post. Because, unlike Reid, Hillary knows how to jerk leashes -- and actually likes it.

8) I'm sick and tired of the global warming deniers. They should be treated with the same sense of anger and disgust as Holocaust deniers... just more so. Denying the Holocaust only denies the murder of six million humans. Denying global warming and its causes threatens to sentence hundreds of millions, maybe billions, of humans to slow, painful untimely deaths. I can't punch global warming deniers, though I'd like to. But if they persist they and their families should all be required to relocate to the lowest lying atoll in the Pacific.

9) I'm sick and tired of Wall Street and government "economists" blowing smoke about the state of the economy. I cut my journalistic teeth on financial crisis, so I know one when I see one coming. And one is coming. In fact, it's just now arriving. Don't tell me the "underlying strength of the US economy is strong." Baloney!  Consumer spending accounts for 70% of the US economy, and those consumers are tapped out. They can't even mug another dime of equity out of their now over encumbered homes. Even those usurious credit card companies won't lend them anymore until they pay off their overdue balances. Hello.....

The truth is we are heading into the worst case of stagflation in a quarter century. So, economists, spare me the happy talk. That crap might buy you some time by creating sucker rallies on Wall Street, but you are about to run out of suckers. Do you have a plan for that? If so, that's what I want to hear from you ... and quickly please.

10) I'm sick and tired of defense contractors, like Lockheed, running TV ads trying to convince me that everything they do is "for our troops in harms way." Gag me with a rocket launcher! Everything defense contractors do is in pursuit of billions of defense tax dollars. That's why they do it --- the only reason they do it. They never seem to mention in their ads that every year... without exception...every year, they are each one caught red handed lying, cheating and stealing hundreds of millions of dollars more. And that, even when caught, not one of them has spent a day in the slammer for it. So, shut up with the "we do it all for our troops," crap, will ya? It makes me wanna reach through the TV and Blackwater you.

11) I'm sick and tired of teachers absolving themselves of any responsibility for the dismal state of American education. When I sat on a school board I suggested we grant teachers even more in pay raises than they were requesting. I only had one condition; that we be allowed to bypass teacher union roadblocks when we wanted to reward exceptional teachers and could promptly fire the well known loser teachers on our staff. Their response -- "No way Jose." You would have thought I'd asked them to undress or something. No personal accountability for teachers, not even if we paid them for it. If private industry had those kinds of rules America would look like Somalia today -- which is why our education system nearly does.

12) I'm sick and tired of hearing that the US has "the best health care in the world." First of all my wife is a health care professional, which means I hear the real scoop every day she returns from work. Tales that curl the blood. We don't have the best health care in the world, we just have the most expensive health care in the world. It's a system run by a bunch of blood sucking private insurance companies that cherry pick the actuarial pool. They insure only those unlikely to need medical care, and reject anyone who just might. Those they refuse to insure eventually end up getting medical care on the public nickel. Wouldn't you love a business deal like that, one where you get to shove your risks off on the government allowing you to pocket all that low/no risk gravy? I sure would. I'm sick of it... pun intended.

13) I'm sick of paying a higher percentage of my adjusted gross income than Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. The Bush tax cuts have been a bonanza for the already super rich, and a big lump of coal for everyone else. For our national infrastructure the Bush tax cuts were a "who needs public infrastructure anyway!" The truth is that the rich got rich largely thanks to Americas generous, reliable and efficient taxpayer funded infrastructure -- roads, bridges, airports, ports and such. Therefore they should pay taxes that adequately reflect and reimburse the nation for that. At the end of the day, every road is a toll road, and the rich are no longer paying their fair share of tolls.

14) On the same subject, I'm also sick and tired of hearing Republicans spout the nonsense that if you cut a rich person's or corporation's taxes they will use that extra money to "create jobs for working Americans." No they won't. And no, they haven't.

What they have done with their Bush's tax cut bonanza is sock it away in tax-protected family trusts and then lobby Congress to eliminate the estate tax so their heirs can keep every dime of it. If any of that extra money does end up getting invested in a job-creating enterprise you can bet your low-wage bippy those jobs end up in China or someplace like China. So, spare the "trickle down" crapola fellas.

15) I'm sick and tired of spending $60 billion a year on intelligence services that aren't.

16) I'm sick and tired of Neo-con, lap-dog Republicans who have defended and aided administration officials who openly champion views of governance so un-American they border on neo-fascism.

17) I'm sick and tired of conniving, weasely, cowardly Democrats who could have obstructed our nations slide toward totalitarianism -- but didn't -- and still haven't.

18) I'm sick and tired of hearing American auto makers whine about how they can't possibly meet higher fuel economy standards while the Japanese clean up doing just that. The last time this happened, back in the 1970s, the Japanese whipped Detroit's sorry backside by making higher mileage small cars while Detroit kept spitting out 8-cylinder behemoths. Then Uncle Sam ended up having to bail out Chrysler and put import quotas on Japanese cars so we didn't have to bailout the out GM and Ford as well. The Big Three dinosaurs are at it again, addicted to selling Hummers and gas-guzzling SUVs and fighting every effort to get them to switch to higher mileage and alternative fuel vehicles. Maybe if we hadn't bailed them out of their last self-inflicted wounds they'd have come out with a Prius before the Japanese this time. If GM had an ounce of sense it would change it's name from General Motors to Green Machines and get with the vital program. I'm sick and tired of rewarding and enabling such stubborn, corporate stupidity and public and social malfeasance.

19) I'm sick and tired of soap-opera news stories that have runs longer than most Broadway plays. The next time some guy's wife goes missing, and authorities suspect he killed her and dumped her body someplace, don't tell me about it -- at least until they solve the crime and actually know what happened. Even then such stories are for local news, so why are they on the national news in the first place? I'm sick and tired of these long, drawn out tales of dysfunctional relationships turned deadly. Nothing about these tales matters to anyone except the poor people directly involved, their families and immediate neighbors. There's absolutely no national news value to running these stories night after night, except a sick "entertainment" value. So, unless these sad cases are being caused by some communicable virus that's spreading at an alarming rate and heading my way, I don't want to hear about them -- it's not "news I need" -- or even want.

20) I'm sick and tired of these new "Christians are being persecuted" TV ads. You know, the ones where some Chinese kid narrates how she was forced to walk barefoot through the snow to a detention center because she wrote stuff about Jesus ... blah, blah, blah. The truth is the overly religious thrive on claims of persecution, real or Madison Avenue-imagined. Nothing stirs up the religiously enthralled like a ripping, tear-jerking tale of persecution. More importantly, nothing opens up the wallets of the herd faster either. One might suggest to them that maybe if fundamentalist Christians tried to be a little less "up everyone's nose," every time we turn around these days they might face less persecution. That assumes, of course, they really are being "persecuted" every time they make the claim -- which I doubt. Often what they view as persecution is simple, non-violent, rhetorical push-back from those of us who've heard quite enough about their supernatural relationships of choice. They consider such push back "persecution." We call it self-defense.
========================

Flame Warrior Archetypes: Part 8 ~FIN~

------------------------
This 8-part exercise has been interesting, since most of the 93 different types identified do bear remarkable resemblance to various postings - and posters- I have seen.

I think many 'flame warriors' don't necessarly belong to any one category, although some might gravitate more strongly in certain directions.

Instead, most netizen posters probably share several type characteristics in some proportion, which may also vary from time to time.

Anyway, here are the last twelve Flame Warrior Archetypes from Mike Reed's website at http://www.dvorak.org/blog/?p=1907

Thanks Mike!
------------------------


Godfather

Forums often contain one or more unacknowledged sub-societies, but everyone except the most clueless know that these groups exist and constantly feel their influence. Such alliances congeal because of similarities in ideas and attitudes, or for the desire for power and influence within the forum. Since human beings are hierarchical creatures each of these these little mafias always have a Godfather who is surrounded by a cadre of loyal henchmen. Unlike Rebel Leader, Issues, Furious Typer and other noisy Warriors, Godfather only occasionally deigns to enter into discussions, but when he does everyone listens to him respectfully and his pronouncements have an air of finality. Though Godfather himself never engages in battle, it is commonly understood that his utterances should not be challenged, and when an unsuspecting Newbie or ambitious wannabe mounts a challenge to his authority Godfather’s henchmen viciously silence or drive away the attacker.
------------------------


Ent

In bygone days Ents roamed an internet paradise of purposeful forums, but in recent times Ents have grown quiet. Indeed, Ents are so rarely heard from these days that netizens have begun to doubt that they ever existed. Being privy to the secrets of the ancients Ents are an extremely powerful Warriors, and are all the more so because of the veneration in which they are held. Warriors who chop and burn an Ent in battle will not earn glory, but will instead incite the enmity of the entire forum.
------------------------


Centurion

Centurion tries to gain tactical advantage in battle by asserting that he is, or was at one time, in the military. He affects the brusque demeanor and clipped style of a drill sergeant, and intimidates opponents by sprinkling his messages with military verbiage and obscure acronyms. He reinforces weak arguments by constantly reminding other Warriors that he has “done his duty”, or “served his country”. Sometimes Centurion may even post pictures of military hardware or images of himself in fatigues brandishing a weapon. Centurion may actually have a military background, or he may just be a nut case - no one really knows. Centurion loathes and is loathed by Weenie, Artiste and Fragile Femme. His natural ally is Troglodyte.
------------------------


Big Cat

Big Cat would rather not fight...he enjoys peacefully observing forum conversations and laconically participates when the moods strikes. He playfully chases interesting threads, and from time to time uses a Newbie or Propellerhead as a convenient scratching post. He enjoys being stroked or petted, and tends to purr loudly. CAUTION: Don't be fooled by his fuzzy, playful exterior. When provoked, Big Cat reacts with lightning speed and almost always lands on his feet after an attack. Big Cat often indulges himself by toying with his victim before delivering his lethal blows.
------------------------


Capitalista

Capitalista is not always a wealthy fat cat; being a Capitalista is a state of mind rather than a reflection of affluence. A strident and extraordinarily self–satisfied Warrior, Capitalista takes every opportunity to extol the superiority of the free enterprise system and has a powerful aversion to the welfare states of Europe. Capitalista fiercely defends the market economy, bludgeoning “fuzzy-minded socialists” with Adam Smith, Milton Friedman and Friedrich Hayek. Though rather limited in his range of interests, Capitalista’s command of carefully selected historical facts, abstruse statistical comparisons and arcane economic theory make him a formidable foe.
------------------------


Atheist

Atheist is Deacon's cyber-doppelganger. Deacon and Atheist hold equally fervent, though diametrically opposed beliefs about religion, and both feel compelled to share those beliefs at every possible opportunity. Should an unsuspecting forum member make even a passing comment about faith or spirituality of any flavor, Atheist will descend like one of the Furies, mercilessly hectoring all of the ignorant and delusional believers about the sordid history of the church and the pernicious effects of religion on society. After a few of Atheist’s anti-religious jeremiads most other Warriors will avoid the subject altogether, though Evil Clown may egg him on a little, and Philosopher may amuse himself by pointing out flaws in his reasoning. If a forum has the misfortune of having both Deacon and Atheist as members, the bickering often continues until Nanny or Admin pulls the plug. Bliss Ninny can also sometimes squelch the conversation by saying, “Well, everyone has a right to their [sic] opinion.
------------------------


Artiste

Artiste has an unshakeable faith in his own artistic gifts, and is very pleased to share them with everyone else. Frequently his own insipid poetry will appear in his email signature, and at other times, and to no apparent purpose, he will be overcome with the urge to post a poem in the midst of battle. Artiste, in his need to demonstrate his aesthetic sensitivity and cultural sophistication, will reference obscure artists to drive his point home. He assumes that the mere mention of, say, Pollaiuolo (Italian,1431 –1498), will confirm the breadth of knowledge and thereby cow his opponent in battle. Actually, he is universally regarded as a pretentious blockhead. CAUTION: Artiste often has serious mental problems and, though easily defeated in battle, may be unpredictable in defeat as well as in victory.
------------------------


Typhoid Mary

Typhoid Mary blunders across the internet spreading infection far and wide. Ignoring repeated warnings not to open attachments from unknown senders and unmoved by entreaties to run security patches and update virus definitions she is the unwitting vector for countless malicious hacks, Trojan horses and embedded viruses. Typhoid Mary believes that someone out there really DOES want her to have “Good Times", or “Win a Holiday”, or that a nice person is actually sending her “Penpal Greetings”. She is intensely loathed by Propellerhead, and is the frequent object of Admin’s homicidal fantasies.
------------------------


Pinko

Pinko has an angry, almost genetic loathing for privilege, greed, social exploitation, racism, sexism, homophobia, pro-lifers, the religious right, environmental degradation, the NRA, US imperialism, multinational corporations, big business, Republicans in general and George Bush in particular. Pinko openly admires Oliver Stone, Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore and anyone else who is critical of the US government and bourgeois culture. She ardently believes there is no enormity of which the United States is incapable and regards its entire history as an unbroken legacy of avarice, deceit and injustice. Though Issues, Weenie, Fragile Femme and sometimes Ideologue will defend Pinko in battle, her extremely predictable and tedious attacks eventually exhaust even those inclined to support her.
------------------------


Patois

The tortured syntax of his messages immediately gives Patois away as a non-native speaker. Patois enters discussion forums with the best of intentions; he may want to get to know Americans, or practice his English, or exchange ideas about a particular subject. Predictably, his malaprops immediately draw fire from Evil Clown and Jerk - even Grammarian may weigh in. At first, Patois tries to parry the thrusts with inept banter, but as his tormenters turn up the heat Patois finally pops his cork. Forgetting what little English he knows he lashes out with sputtering ripostes such as, “ No, you must stopping now because you are a stupid.”, which only causes more piling on. When Eagle Scout, Weenie, an others spring to his defense Patois lavishes them with puppy-like gratitude and loyalty. CAUTION: Impersonating Patois is a favorite ruse of Imposter and Troller.
------------------------


Fanboy

Though annoying and often disruptive, Fanboy is a relatively harmless Warrior because his interests and knowledge are strictly limited a single obsession. He's fixated on a particular video game, a celebrity, a television show, a sports team, – almost anything, really. Fanboy’s compulsion makes him very easy to identify, but it also arms him with supernatural tenacity. The most benign criticism of his beloved immediately provokes a cascade of virulent abuse. Once alerted to Fanboy's sensitivities Evil Clown, Troller and Jerk will goad himmercilessly. CAUTION: ANYONE can become a Fanboy, but the warning signs of an emerging Fanboy are subtle and easily overlooked. For example, are you a little hasty to defend Linux?
------------------------


Necromancer

Necromancer has a supernatural ability to bring long-dead forum discussion threads back to life. After having been flogged to death the thread may have been deceased for many years, and bringing it back may have scant relevance to the current topic, yet Necromancer will unexpectedly exhume the thread’s rotting corpse, and strike horror in the forum as its grotesque form lurches into the discussion. The monster, instantly recognized by all who knew it in life, seems at first to breathe and have a pulse, but, alas, it is beyond Necromancer’s skill to fully restore the thread’s original vitality. The hideous apparition may frighten away some of the weaker Warriors or Warriors badly wounded in former battles, but the thread is only a shadow of its former self and very quickly expires.

Unlike Archivist, Necromancer compulsively saves every forum message in carefully preserved archives for future use in battle, while Necromancer collects departed threads merely for the thrill of resurrecting them. Some say he performs this unnatural act out of malice, others say he can’t help himself, but no one really knows.
------------------------

Flame Warrior Archetypes: Part 7

------------------------
Here are twelve more types from Mike Reed's website at http://www.dvorak.org/blog/?p=1907
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Impostor

Impostor is a digital Proteus who changes his persona whenever it suits his purposes. That 21 year old co-ed from Arizona State you met in a discussion forum may, in fact, be a retired steel worker from Pittsburgh. Impostor will claim to be black, white, rich, poor, young, old, straight or gay, and if he's good he can pull it off - at least for a while. Of course, there are sinister, even criminal reasons Impostor would lie about who he is, but more often he fakes it to lend weight to his arguments, or simply to amuse himself. Impostor's requisite imagination and good writing skills can make him a formidable enemy, but even the best of this Warrior class will eventually blunder and reveal their true identity. Once uncovered, Impostor will always flee, but he may return in another form - you just never know...
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Troller

Troller is looking for a response...ANY response, and he will chum the waters with complaints, insults, compliments, and inflammatory tidbits hoping that someone...ANYONE, will take the bait. Generally quite harmless - practices a form of catch and release. Nonetheless, he can upset the delicate ecology of a discussion forum. Once a forum becomes aware of his presence, however, all feeding activity ceases and Troller must move on to more promising waters.
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Diplomat

Diplomat butts into hot disputes, presuming that the combatants will welcome and appreciate his even-handed and eminently reasonable mediation. Frankly, he gets what he deserves.
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Deacon

Be he a Baptist, Scientologist or Zoroastrian, in the heat of battle Deacon will call down Divine retribution on all net sinners, and will never miss an opportunity to tell everyone about his personal savior. Deacon is fervent and earnest, but never has anything of interest or substance to contribute to a discussion. Occasionally Tireless Rebutter or Philosopher will engage Deacon in battle, but mostly he is ignored.
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Crybaby

Although sometimes a male, Crybaby is usually a female, and often a close ally of Innocence Abused. When teased or attacked Crybaby will pitch a loud public temper tantrum, holding her breath and kicking her feet. If that defense fails she will run to Nanny for comfort.
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Compost

Compost has few weapons at his disposal and must resort to expletives and gross vulgarities to amplify his rhetorical thrusts. His tactical approach can occasionally rout Innocence Abused, but it is generally ineffective against other Warriors. Combatants know when he has spent the fury of his attack when he suggests that his opponent's mother is a professional sexual services provider (although he will put it in different terms). Nanny has little stomach for Compost's ordure and will quickly eject him from the forum.
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Artful Dodger

Like Nitpick, Artful Dodger is a nimble and elusive Warrior. When faced with an attack he can't rebuff he maneuvers the discussion into an area where he feels he occupies the high ground. If, for example, in a moment of pique his opponent refers to him as a "sonofabitch", Artful Dodger will not only demand a public apology for his sainted mother, but will launch into a long harrangue about the sanctity of motherhood. Knowing full well that to stay on topic will assure his defeat, he is utterly impervious to counterattacks like, "that has nothing to do with this discussion".
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Archivist

Archivist saves and squirrels away each and every discussion forum message. Do you remember having a bad day back in 1996 when in one of your messages you may have said a few things that were...well, perhaps a little...hasty? Don't worry, Archivist still has it and will post it to the forum if you begin to get the upper hand in battle. Archivist can be a very effective and fearsome Warrior.
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ALLCAPS

ALLCAPS attempts to compensate for his limited rhetorical weaponry through the extravagant use of capitalized words - something netizens refer to as SHOUTING. Sure, a sprinkling of capitalized words can add spice to an attack, but overuse is like too much tarragon in the stew. Even worse from a tactical point of view, too much shouting alerts other Warriors to the opponent's verbal WEAKNESS and emotional EXCITABILITY.
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Loopy

Don't try to understand Loopy's messages - they will forever remain opaque to all but himself. Loopy is easily aroused and exuberant in battle and fearlessly flings himself at any Warrior - even Kung-Fu Master. Loopy's main weapons consist of a disarming array of nonsequiturs, tautologies, and bizarre metaphors, which can often gain him an advantage in the initial stages of an attack. Combatants very quickly realize, however, that Loopy is a certifiable nut case and generally avoid further engagement, although Jerk and Evil Clown sometimes egg Loopy on for their own amusement. CAUTION: Loopy cannot be defeated with conventional weapons. Any response to his attacks will often provoke a fusillade of incoherent messages. HINT: If ignored, Loopy will continue to clatter and foam until Nanny removes him from the discussion forum.
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Coffee Klatch

For Coffee Klatch the discussion forum is a social gathering - like Mah Jong or the Wednesday morning canasta club. Coffee Klatch prefers a friendly, chatty environment and almost always limits her participation to non-technical forums. Whether inadvertently or by design, Coffee Klatch prepares the battlefield in her favor by making it soggy with pleasant, but vapid messages - her favorite phrase often being, "thanks for sharing". This renders the battlefield rather slow going for many of the swifter and more powerful Warriors, and if war does break out she will shed her benign facade and strike mired Warriors with great ferocity.
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Profundus Maximus

Profundus Maximus eagerly holds forth on all subjects, but his thin knowledge will not support a sustained assault and therefore his attacks quickly peter out. Profundus Maximus often uses big words, obscure terms and...ahem...even Latin to bluff his way through battle.
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Flame Warrior Archetypes: Part 6

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Here are twelve more types from Mike Reed's website at http://www.dvorak.org/blog/?p=1907
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Evil Clown

Evil Clown is very quick with a joke, but his jests always have a barb. He has little patience for in-depth discussions and will often disrupt exchanges between serious forum participants by introducing irrelevant topics, fatuous quips, and offhand comments. His greatest thrill is to taunt and humiliate weaker or more plodding Warriors with his snappy ripostes. When a strong Warrior finally corners him Evil Clown will attempt to escape by accusing his attacker of having no sense of humor.
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Kung-Fu Master

Though Kung-Fu Masters are powerful Warriors, they generally choose not to fight. Many lesser Warriors delude themselves into thinking that they are masters of war, but few are the genuine article. The true Kung-Fu master fully appreciates his own superiority and is therefore unruffled by petty provocations. When forced to fight, however, he quickly crushes his opponent with devastating blows.
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Issues

Issues has an issue and she wants it to be everyone's issue. The discussion could be about fondue pots and Issue would rage about the multinational corporate conspiracy to exploit fondue pot workers. Of course, Issues is found among all ideological persuasions - anti-gun mothers, gun totin' mothers, bloodthirsty feminists, troglodyte misogynists, politically correct, politically incorrect, lefties, righties, vegetarians, carnivores, radical Rotarians - it doesn't matter. HINT: An effective tactic to employ against Issues is indifference.
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Ideologue

There are two distinct varieties of Ideologue, conservative and liberal, but each being smug and self satisfied in his certitudes, they are really flip sides of the same coin. Though Ideologue's "opinions" merely represent a loose collection of intellectual conceits he is nonetheless astonished, bewildered and angered when his views are not immediately embraced as Truth. He regards honest disagreement as a form of cognitive dissonance that can only be cured by relentless propagandizing. The conservative iteration of Ideologue parades himself as a logical, clear thinker, while the liberal version trumpets his higher level of mental, spiritual and social awareness. Troglodyte is the natural ally of conservative Ideologue, and for liberal Ideologue it is Weenie. Whether conservative or liberal, Ideologue is a fierce, but very predictable Warrior.
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Howlers

Howlers generally populate academic, technical or special interest forums in which particular issues are discussed. Newbies to such forums often wander in thinking they have found some devastating new argument that contradicts accepted wisdom on the forum topic. Of course, if the forum is a long-standing and active discussion group it will probably have heard and debated the argument at length, so instead of reviving a dead topic Howlers will simply shout and throw excrement until the intruder leaves.
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Grunter

Grunter always reponds to discussion forum messages with a single word or a short phrase, and he NEVER edits quoted material . Profundus Maximus, Philosopher, Tireless Rebutter, and other verbose Warriors find Grunter a particularly exasperating opponent because he will answer their lengthy pontifications with a simple "Yeah!". "Get a life.", "Whatever", "I agree." "Wrong.", etc. While Grunter is not a strong Warrior, he is very elusive and difficult to engage in direct battle, and only by his extended silence is there any indication that he has been vanquished.

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Grammarian

Grammarian usually has little to contribute to a discussion and possesses few effective weapons. To compensate, he will point out minor errors in spelling and grammar. Because of Grammarian's obvious weakness most Warriors ignore him.
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Fragile Femme

Fragile Femme is very needy and insecure and regards the discussion forum as her personal support group, and will lash out when her feelings are not "validated" by the others. Fragile Femme will often refer to the forum participants as her "family" and becomes distraught at disharmony of any kind. She regards even minor disagreements with her as devastating personal assaults and will often dissolve into hysteria when confronted. Her hyperactive sense of injury renders her fighting tactics fairly ineffective, but Innocence Abused, Cyber Sisters or Weenie will often spring to her defense.
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Filibuster

Filibuster and his pet topic form an endless loop. If his first thrust doesn't win the day, he will try to gain ground with a second, third, fourth ... nth repetition. He may even make a good initial attack, but his monotonous hectoring and prodigious output rapidly clears the field of other Warriors. Filibuster eventually lands in everyone's killfile.
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Ethnix

Ethnix is an extremely powerful Warrior who effectively exploits his minority status and the general nervousness about race to gain advantage in battle. Ethnix deftly wields his ethnicity and can instantly shift from defense to offense, keeping even the most skillful Warriors off balance. Impostor, covetous of his power, often impersonates Ethnix, but he can seldom maintain the ruse. While all Warriors are wary of Ethnix, he is most feared by Weenie.
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Ego

For Ego, the discussion forum is all about him and his issues, and he regards discussions that stray from those topics as trivial dalliances. Although tolerant of an occasional shift in focus, Ego grows increasingly restive from extended inattention and will often provoke conflict to reestablish himself as the subject at hand. Ego dismisses with only a cursory reading any forum traffic that doesn't relate directly to him, but replies at length to everything else. Ego is one the the fiercest of all the Warriors and will fight to the death when attacked.
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Lamer

Lamer is a Warrior who appears in different guises to different people, and is therefore difficult to describe in full detail. Nonetheless, he is readily identifiable because of his mediocre wit, utter lack of insight and vacuous comment . You begin to sense Lamer's presence when you are able to anticipate the content of his messages even before reading them. Lamer actively participates in forum discourse and readily jumps into battle, but his ineffectuality renders him relatively harmless when encountered in single combat. CAUTION: Lamer's crushing dullness can enervate even the most robust Warrior, and while it is usually possible to overcome the presence of a few Lamers, enough of them banded together the can numb the liveliest forum into extinction.
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