figuring stuff out

Now, 4 days before what could have Joan's 75th birthday and just over 7years since she passed, Joan remains a wonderful part of every day for me, as I remember her presence continuously in my consciousness... 

After reflection upon my 32+ year relationship with Joan, the following recollections apply:

1. Joan always loved an active life, which was by her definition, never dull. When it began to get dull, she would do something to change it! [THAT'S HER OWN STATEMENT]

2. She had many interests, friends and circles which she kept up with; diversity had its appeal - within certain limits of propriety, political perspective and, of course, relevance to her goals in life.

3. Joan was a high energy person, even when physical demands exceeded her comfort zone. She liked to stretch herself to achieve, as long as she felt a safety net nearby, because she was careful and aware of her real or self-imposed limitations.

4. Joan loved having fun, and seemed always willing to engage in planning or having a fun adventure. Usually, this involved something cultural, political, natural or culinary. And in Nature...

5. As much as Joan liked her independence and freedom, she always preferred to have a warm nest to return to as her base of operations and loving support. I was more than willing to accept that role, especially when it came to Buddhist events, birding and opera/concerts.

6. I was greatly attracted to Joan's zest for life, adventurous attitude and energetic pursuit of interests.
Thus, I was very willing to have her 'do her thing' - with or without me along. I had unshakeable trust in her ability to fend for herself, despite knowing she might require reassurance at times. Often, I shared these adventures, enjoyed them and was thankful for her encouragement.

7. Joan loved to learn, but liked doing so in a relaxed fashion, without requirement of tests, deadlines or much formal homework. She audited classes, even her Buddhist studies with her teacher and sangha, thereby acquiring much absorbed wisdom, upon which she pondered and meditated. She read extensively everything that interested her.

8. I liked just being around Joan since her persona was so magnetic, real and inviting. I will never forget that attraction and the rewards it produced. I loved it, and still love the memory of it!

9. Joan and I were one of a kind in many respects. We both loved the outdoors, activity, shared similar views on many subjects, valued important principles, liked humor, food and friendships.

10. Trust was important to Joan and me. Early on, I trusted Joan because she was so real, and seemed incapable of deception. She needed longer to evaluate me, especially when it came to making a long-term commitment to our relationship. Joan had experienced disappointments earlier in life, which she needed to process thoroughly. After 5-6 years of living together, Joan's doubts were alleviated and she happily agreed to our marriage prior to my accepting a new job in Bellingham, WA, a place neither of us had lived before.

11. I had never witnessed the type of sustained joy that Joan exhibited on our wedding day! She was simply radiant, smiling incessantly until her cheeks must have ached! That kind of happiness cannot be anything but real! It seemed like we married the whole church!

The best part is that same happiness continued until Joan passed away, 16+ years later. What a terrific marriage we've had! The memory of it will last forever...

12. Joan Casey, Missus Joan, is as immortal in my mind as the soloist at our wedding sang -'even death won't part us now'. Her smile at that moment sustains me in my grief for her passing; truly death has not parted us in any way except physically! I will love Joan and her spirit forever! She had already taken that 'to the bank', as exhibited by the penetrating look of love in her eyes, while I promised to be her faithful husband!

13. Together, we could be a dynamite couple, each complimenting the other's personality. Highly compatible personalities were part our secret; she an INFJ, me an ENFJ. I always felt proud to take Joan anywhere because she was such a class act and enjoyable companion. As the Irish say 'she cleaned up well'. She felt the same way about me, at least most of the time.

14. A final thought. As much as I miss Joan being around, I can't imagine me just grieving in a corner! She would not have liked that at all! Instead, it is easy for me to remember our many 'moments' together, they were so precious. Those memories are what help sustain me now. Just the thought that Joan truly loved me makes my whole life seem so blessed! How many are blessed with a love like that? I will always feel so grateful for having Joan in my life; she was more than a companion or wife, she was a lasting inspiration!

15. I once called Joan a 'sassy, lassie Miss Cassie', which seemed to fit her well.

Joan Casey: Our 27th Anniversary

Our Wedding June 17, 1990

Six and a half years before this picture was taken, I first met Joan.

Don't know if it was love at first sight, but it might have been.

I say that because at my first recollection of Joan, I distinctly recall a bright twinkle or sparkle radiating from her. 

I never forgot that. 

Because it was delightful! 

Wish I could capture that image, but my graphical skills lag far behind my memory and especially, my imagination....

 Anyway, this will remind folks of our wonderful wedding day and our life together!

Poetry?

On Incense

Tendrils

Wisps

Curling mainly upward, riding barely heated air

Subject to vagaries of drafts and unseen currents in space, like fleeting shadows

Wafting freely, unbound by gravity

Tiny particles forming temporarily visible smoke

Later will settle unseen and unheard, but leaving a faint scent reflecting the care of those who made incense

Like a stream of potential Prana trying to reclaim what is gone

Settling slowly and silently, lightly covering surfaces that offer willing destinations

Awaken feelings of joy, reverence, respect

Creating fleeting glimpses of past joy from days long ago but not far away

Sense only by breathing in, a metaphor for life

Forgivable clinging?

Remembering great joy- can this be done without sadness?

Wonderful habits are not lost easily

Lingering memories sustain happiness

Imagine new dimensions!

Honor the good

Respect actions made with good intent

Value constancy of love

Infuse wonder into everything

Ephemeral

Gossamer

Veiling and sailing

Glimmering

Glistening

Sequins

Pearls

Diamonds

Silvery stuff

Fine fluff

Threads

Weaving

Twisting and turning

Reinventing

Reflecting

Matted and overlain into the grain

Randomly

Unpredictable 

Effortlessly made

Columnar Clouds that last for brief moments

Entwine the elusive ether

Engulfs the senses

Encloses the vastness of intensity

Indecipherable Shapeshifting patterns

Morphs re-morphs and unmorphs

Unimaginable complexity and randomness

Conceivable - only briefly

Puzzling twists and turns

Flowing

Tumbling

Circling

Surrounding

Engulfing

Gentleness personified

Incomprehensible!

Free wandering spirits bound only by imagination

Complexity beyond expression, simplicity beyond belief

Magical

Imperceptible transitions

Transparent or Translucent at will

Sinuously swirls, curls, winds, climbs, dips, doubles back, beckoning, always teasing, tempting

Traces and spaces and paces itself into complexities constantly changing, barely perceptible in transition

Tickles and trickles and dives and contorts and cavorts into forms and non-forms, not normal or formal 

Erratic and spastic and plastic and elastic - fantastic!

Errant, Aberrant, go-where-ant, bleary and blurry

InCoherently lazy, hazy and crazy

Faded and shaded and graded 

delicate traces, dreamlike

My dream…

            ------------------

Joan Casey: Some Wonderful Reflections

The Whatcom Land Trust has been a favorite activity for Joan Casey for years. Recently, they have helped me find the Jade Stone (Olivine) Bench, obtain permission to place it at the Pt. Whitehorn Marine Reserve, and installed it.

Here's two photos I took today from Point Whitehorn Park, at the end just before the walk down to the beach.

Pt. Whitehorn Marine Reserve

Joan's Bench at Point Whitehorn
Inscription etched into left side:

So beautiful...
Joan Casey
1941-2016

View from Joan's Bench - The Salish Sea

-------The following was written a few days ago early in the morning with a mystical scene capturing my attention----

The predawn stillness is reverential in nature, with the almost full moon setting slowly in the west. 

A mist layer permeates the sky above bay and isles, both near and far.

Soon it will be gone...

Beautiful in every aspect except one; impermanence.

Ah, impermanence, an elegant cruelty; but don’t worry there will be another moment, then another; every one impermanent in their very uniqueness!

This reverie reminds of my first glimpse at one, Miss Joan Casey, arriving breathlessly at a carpool across a crowded parking lot.

That’s not as romantic as across a crowded room, but it will have to do.

Her main expression, observable at a distance, was one of pure exhilaration at being at that place and time, anticipating a wonderful walk in nature with friends.

What a very apparent joy she must have felt to elicit that aura of lightness of spirit!

Anyway, it certainly caught my eye and became the beginning of the long journey we happily took together.

Now, Joan isn’t physically around any more, but her presence remains, not so much as a protest to the whole idea of impermanence, but the expectation of ever-appearing new experiences.

As our love grew over the miles we hiked, there was always room for another adventure, then another, and another.

And, you know what; it’s still happening!!

That was how Joan was, constantly on the lookout for another wonderful experience! 

And you know, that kind of wonderful expectation was bound to succeed, as it did, over and over again.

Now on the eve of what might have been Joan’s 76th birthday, I am again experiencing great joy in having known her and recalling that moment.

The memories we shared do have a way of sticking with you…

---------

One such memory comes to mind of the time we walked the 95-mile West Highland Way in Scotland;

I made up a silly marching song as we walked along in misty cold, seeking to raise spirits, which it did.

It went like this, to the tune of “Oh Britannia”:

Oh, the Deebit, 

The Deebit walks with me

Oh, the little Deebit walks with me.

Oh, the Lambit,

The Lambit is so fine,

Oh, the little Lambit’s love is mine.

Oh, the Joanie,

The Joanie is my wife.

Oh, the little Joanie lights my life.

Note: since Joan had 2 dimples when she smiled, I called them Deebit and Lambit

Now that’s written, as the sun is rising….

The duty crow has already begun its futile dive-bombing attempts at making the gulls leave his roof.
========================================

Phase 2: A Love Story That Will Never End

Today I cried, but only after reflecting again upon the most wonderful experience in my life, 32+ years with Joan Casey.

I’d like to think that these were tears of joy, but they were also mixed with tears of sadness and loss.

How could they not be so?
I am after all, human.
Sometimes very human.
One day I will perhaps become less human, but until that time, why not cry when I feel the need?
Little boys are taught not to cry, but I haven’t learned that very well.
Now that I’m an old guy, who cares? 

I cried today after another insightful reflection, about who Joan & I were and what made us so attracted and devoted to each other.

Both of us had relatively comfortable lives and fairly strict upbringing, which proved to be both blessing and curse.
Blessing, because we were healthy, obtained good educations, had solid values and were good with other people.
Curse, because we almost expected life to be on cruise control, that all we ever needed would be provided, that troubles and misfortunes were for other people.
How wrong we were!

While neither us suffered from real hardship or deprivation, we did have individual challenges that involved issues like trust, acceptance of the lives we had, and issues of what constituted love.
I suspect anyone would experience such confrontations in life, but only some might have them be a cause of despair and deep questioning of beliefs and faith. 

Each, in our way, had experienced the urge to do something different, live in another place, enjoy adventure and the companionship and love everyone wants.
And, each in our own way, dealt with these desires only after suffering some real ruts and bumps in the road of life.
Time does heal wounds, but lessons to be learned also require time to digest and figure out how to use.

Both Joan and I had reached similar places in our lives, when we were open to interaction and change of the most profound kind.
We were fortunate to meet under circumstances so conducive to friendship.
We had each gone through disappointing relationships that soured our appetites for more of the same.
Something we had lacked was the main culprit, although unsaid at the time.

Nevertheless, we were ripe for a positive change, and when we met a mutual attraction was triggered, slow at first but maturing quickly into real love - and healthy respect from where we had been.
About 2 months later, we were writing each other love letters, a really old-fashioned thing to do!
But, we were both somewhat old-fashioned and didn’t care about much except getting to know each other better; something we never ceased to do.

Being bruised and cautious does slow down relationships, but ours progressed steadily. Nine months later, Joan invited me to live in her house; something I did willingly, to be closer to her more often.
Soon after, I asked her to marry me.
She didn’t say no, but did want more time to consider the proposal.
We continued to enjoy all sorts of outdoor activities and learning experiences.

Five years later, we were still considering my proposal when a job opportunity came, requiring a move to Bellingham.
Joan could see the opportunity was a good one, and we agreed to go together - after getting married!
Wow, Joan’s first marriage at age 49 was such a joyous occasion I couldn’t believe it!
We moved and bought her dream house together, where we lived for 26 happy years, while again enjoying all kinds of activities, friends and memories. 

After such an extended time of happiness, Joan died, unexpectedly on our way home from San Francisco, where she had just completed the renovation of her ‘little old lady’ home. What a shock!
She was in hospital in Redding, CA for 3 weeks before she passed from this life.
We alternately felt encouraged at her recovery prospects and saddened by her serious condition, which prevented her from being moved.

Although we had discussed end-of-life issues, neither of us was ready for what happened - me least of all.

The day before Joan passed was awful, except one Vajra Sister, Nora, was there to comfort her and assist with the Buddhist practices for which Joan strongly wished.
Even though she was minimally conscious, I remained hopeful that a miracle would manifest and make Joan well again. 

At her bedside, I held her hand; something we often did.
Then, late at night, I went to rest.
At 4 AM, the phone rang and the nurse said I ought to come to Joan’s side; her vital signs were dropping and were was little hope she might improve.
I was there in minutes, holding her hand, lightly rubbing her head and whispering sweet nothings meant to comfort her.
I believe this reached her consciousness, before I gave the signal to stop the intubation on the nurses advice. 

Joan descended peacefully, with very little physical movement, then slowly a peaceful smile appeared on her face.
I will never forget that moment, torn between grief and prayers for her joyful passage into the bardo of dying.
Then, very quickly, it was over.

Almost automatically, I sprang into action; so many things to do and attend to - it was almost overwhelming!
But, I needed to do it, to honor Joan, to set the necessary legalities in motion.
So much to do, so little time.
Then, it occurred to me this was a metaphor to life; our rushing around was always to meet some deadline - real or imagined. 

That is when I calmed down enough to truly honor Joan, her delightful spirit, always good aspirations, and wonderful smile, all stamped indelibly in my consciousness.

I am so thankful for the inspiration Missus Joan gave me, to go on strongly and determinedly, to do all the good I can - and no harm!
That has kept me going so far, and perhaps much longer than I expected. 

But, today I am writing this in preparation to posting it at 9 AM tomorrow, to mark the first anniversary of my Dear Joan’s passing.

May her spirit endure forever!
I love her still…and always will…

===============================

WYSIWYG: tRump Revealed

After weeks of misery, shock & awe at facing the sorry reality of our latest Presidential Election, I at last found -at the bottom of my glass- a very toxic revelation. Empty. 

So, I had another in hopes that my mood might brighten right here, right now, in my own private Institute for Institute for Attitudinal Adjustment. That didn’t work either.

So, after a wee nap, I awoke with the ANSWER! Nothing weird like a vision, but simply cold, hard facts -not of the Alternate Variety. 

What You See Is What You Get. 

That’s right, WYSIWYG. So clear, so simple, it clears up everything! What took me so long? 

Hell, what took everyone so long! Even those stupids who voted for this 't'-creature, and those who didn’t vote at all, and those thought their vote was worth wasting by voting for someone NOT HILLARY. 

I’d better have another drink now, sorry. 

I’ll be quick. 

There, that’s better. 

Others may feel cheated by this short unnecessary delay, but get over it, neither you or I are likely to feel better in the morning…

Anyway, what was revealed to me was this: 

tRump never gave us any good reason to vote for him, except wishful thinking. 

He never spelled out any plan except in the most general, hazy way. 

He refused to answer any normal questions.
Neither the Press, nor his fellow candidates were able to penetrate his deviousness.

He bullied and intimidated his supposedly R competition, until they all dropped out, victims of poll tea-leaves reading, plus an epidemic of weak spines, fear and disgust. 

He still defies releasing something as American as Tax Returns, unlike Warren Buffett, et al. He claims the ‘unfairness’ of his releasing tax information because he is involved in ‘litigation’ 

-Huh? That ought to be a red flag, doncha think? Besides, the man is just plain litigious , with something like 3500 lawsuits reported.

Bottom line is ’t’ ain’t gonna change, unless he’s forced to. 

His colleagues have so far been too chicken to really press the issue, so partisan is their view that they hope he will become the ‘tip of the spear’ for pushing through selective legislation, or repeals thereof, that they want to impose on the rest of us. 

Until it proves too hot for the R’s to handle, they won’t do much about it, except the usual jawboning and posturing so typical of groups who operate as a block, desiring so mightily to stay in power. 

Unless, their rather high tolerance for shame is reached, ’t’ is their man, despite the chaos he causes daily. 

When that trigger point is reached, they will turn on ’t’ with a vengeance, and it won’t be pretty! 

The World will be treated to a spectacle it won’t forget, and hopefully not of the violent type. 

So, its up to you, Congress, to get this right -it’s not a PARTISAN issue!

Question is, what will it take to turn up the heat quickly enough so that the frog knows it’s being boiled?

Likely, that may be the Russian Connection which is NOT going away. 

If that is the trigger that impeaches ’t’, then so be it. 

But please let it happen sooner than later! 

Then, we get to figure out What Mr Pence brings to the Off-White House. 

Plus, all the excitement of finger pointing and scrambling for power seats.

I’ve already seen too much of this movie, which unfortunately, cannot be un-seen! 

So, go ahead little ’t’ and make my day; screw up just enough -but not too much- to flush that throne you’re trying to sit on. 

Go back to where you belong! 

Air Wick, anyone?

Maybe Fabreze…

A Day to Remember: January 14, 1984

Thirty three years ago today, I met Joan Casey, who became my dear butterfly...
We went on a long hike at Point Reyes National Seashore, and until April 12, 2016, we have hiked many, many miles together!

Despite the sadness of Missus Joan's sudden passing, the joy we shared during our life together certainly outweighs the pain of me missing her physical presence.

I will always have the precious memory of her, her zest for life, and the love we shared.

Here are a few photos that recollect moments our journey together:

Trails & Picnics - 2 Favorites!

Our Camping Home

We never regretted living at 1015 Toledo!

At Ash Lawn - James Monroe's Home (2011)

Joan's iPad, a gift that kept on giving!

UVA President's Home (2011)

Chincoteague Birding

Joan with Bud & Juanita McCormick

J & J - Dingle, Ireland

Joan on Patio @ 291 Surrey

Giddy Gato - Our Wonderful Cat

J&J with John's son Tom, Sister Mary & Richard - Tullahoma, TN

Missus Joan @ Moose Lodge - ca 1998

J&J with Mr Jefferson - 2011

Clowns Lily & Big Red

Hiking at Mt Baker - our backyard!

Joan & John - June 17, 1990